Showing posts with label memoir. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memoir. Show all posts

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Memoir: The Earliest Years, Part One: Those who came before

First published on Open Salon, JANUARY 6, 2011 1:00PM

Why now?

I  just celebrated my 72nd birthday, and have decided that it is none too soon to begin fleshing out my personal memoir, bits and pieces of which are already written, but with huge gaps remaining. As the old saw says, "I am not getting any younger."

As a child I was usually called "Little Monte" since I was a "Junior," or "Monte Gene," because my middle name is "Eugene." A brief glimpse of my early childhood was first introduced to my Open Salon readers in the final installment of the series "A WWII Romance." There we saw a melodramatic, but all too true, tale of "Monte Gene," then 6, being secretly lowered through a window by his uncle into the arms of his mother, Wilma, followed by a quick automobile run for the county line.

This "kidnapping" was the culmination of a bitter argument between his mother and his maternal grandmother, Lola, with whom he had lived most of his life up to that time. Wilma had remarried, over the vehement objections of her mother, to a young man named Alva Galemore. Al was to Lola nothing more than "poor white trash" and she had vowed to never give Monte up to go live with the newlyweds, even if it meant a court fight.

My life up to that time had been relatively uneventful from my point of view, but, from the perspective of the other parties involved, a center of controversy from the start. And it is there that my story really begins, long before I could have any actual memories of the history or the events.

However, all of the parties to my earliest years were eager, through the years that followed, to convince me of the truth of their versions of my earliest years. And, out of that cacophony of biased opinion, as I grew older, I pieced together my own version of my earliest years. That my version may be wrong in this or that detail is likely the case. But that the quilt that I pieced together from these multiple memories molded my understanding of human nature, family dynamics, my identity, and of life itself cannot be denied. That, of course, is a mixed blessing.

None of the key parties to this earliest story are alive, save me. And there is little that can be remotely called "evidence." There are, of course, a few photos, some crude information, what I have been told, and my personal memories which go back to about the age of three.

I am told there are those folk who remember their first birthdays, but I claim no such extraordinary abilities. And I only know that my memories go back to about three because there are pictures of me inscribed as taken at "age three" at events about which I remember details not in the pictures. Before that there are pictures, but I remember nothing about them other than what I have been told.

Before the Memories

But we must start even before my memories, because earlier events shaped those who shaped me, and I have distilled from them some background of those people who were vital to my formative years.

My father, of whom I have only the vaguest memories prior to age 12, was Monte Eugene Canfield. The version of my birth certificate filled in by the doctor, gives me that same name, but another certificate, the official state version, lists me as Monte Eugene Canfield, Jr.

In any case, there is some undocumented genealogical information on the Canfield side so we will start there. There is no genealogical information on my mother's side.

According to family records, my particular branch of the Canfield family emigrated from England to New England in 1639. My direct ancestor, Matthew Canfield, was born in 1604 and died in 1673. Later generations emigrated From New England, first to eastern Ohio when Ohio was a territory, part of the Western Reserve, and, later, to Kansas territory.

[Ironically, by shear accident, I have retired into the same eastern Ohio area of the early Canfield emigrants, some 60 miles southwest of the city of Canfield here in NE Ohio. I had no clue that there were Canfields in Ohio until after we moved here in 1997.] 

Some 9 generations following Matthew Canfield, my paternal grandfather, Leo See Canfield, was born in June, 1892. He married my grandmother, Ola G. Montgomery, in 1915, and died in Dec, 1918 at Scranton in eastern Kansas where he owned a small town newspaper. While the records do not say why he died, that was the year of the great flu pandemic that originated in the US in Kansas, at Ft. Riley, and killed over 1/2 million people here in the US, and 50 to 100 million world wide.

My father, Monte Eugene Canfield, the first of two sons, was born in 1916.

My father's mother's maiden name was, as noted above, Ola Montgomery. I know nothing of her background other than that she was born in eastern Kansas. After my grandfather died she gave birth to her second son some three months later, my uncle, Leo. My father was then about 2 1/4 years old. In spite of those dire circumstances, rather than give up the family newspaper, and knowing nothing of the newspaper business herself, she determined to learn the trade and run the paper and print shop. This she did. She later went on to become a highly respected member of the press establishment in Kansas.

My mother was born Wilma Lee Elaine Allensworth in eastern Kansas, in 1923. In those days her friends called her "Willie." She hardly knew her father as he deserted the family when she was a very small girl and she was raised by her mother and her second husband, William Isaiah Isaacs. Bill Isaacs owned three small coal mines in Osage County, Kansas and they lived in Burlingame, Kansas, some 30 miles south of Topeka, and 6 miles from Scranton.

From the time Wilma's mother, Lola, and her stepfather, Bill, combined their two very large families, Bill Isaacs was known to Wilma as "Daddy," as he was to all of Lola's children. Wilma was given the name Isaacs as her family name, but Lola's older children were offered the choice and all chose to be known by the name of Isaacs. I did not even know that Bill Isaacs was not my grandfather by blood until I was a much older child and by then could not care less. I idolized him.

My maternal grandmother was born Lola May Barnes. I know nothing of her family background other than that there was an alleged ancestral relationship to Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy, one which my grandmother was not interested in discussing. She told me, in no uncertain terms, that her family was part of the "free state" pioneers in the days of "Bloody Kansas." I judiciously never pursued that line of thought with her.
The Importance of Ancestry
The truth is that within my own family our ancestral pedigree was not very important, except for a small interest shown on the Canfield side. The general conviction on both sides of my family was that people earned their place in society by dint of hard study and/or hard work, preferably both.

As for myself the only thing I think is interesting about this little foray into my family background is that all the associated names are English in origin. I make no more of it than that.
And, I have little interest in the importance of "blood" beyond a sense of love and obligation to my immediate family, and, even then, "blood" cannot not define my immediate family.

The fact is that the man who had the most influence in my earliest years was my "step" grandfather, Bill Isaacs; the one who raised me throughout my public school years was my "step" father, Al Galemore, and the one who helped me most through my college years was my biological father's "step" father, Sam Shade.
All of those men treated me with unequivocal love as one of their own.

I have a sense of unconditional love and devotion to their memories today. They were my heroes, my mentors and my role models; and I loved them shamelessly and passionately. And I think of and miss them to this day; especially my ("step") Dad, Al Galemore.


Next: Wilma and Monte Sr. marry. And I am born, not in Kansas, but in the Oklahoma panhandle, a harbinger to an itinerant childhood.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Motorcycles: A Magnificant Obsession, Part Three

First Posted on NOVEMBER 25, 2008 6:04PM


Earl and Kathy
Earl and his friend, Kathy, Tampa, Christmas, 2003,
two years before Earl died.
Earl, Sue and Monte with 3 of Earl's 15 motorcycle
Earl, Sue and Monte with three of Earl's 15 motorcycle "toys"
Tampa, Christmas, 2003
Sue with Earl's bikes
Sue with the two bikes we borrowed from Earl
to ride at Tampa Bay, Christmas, 2003
Monte
Monte at a beach park, Tampa, Christmas, 2003

There are 10 parts to this motorcycle memoir. Quick links to each are in the Archives side bar on the right.

Part Two of this motorcycle memoir ended:

“It was at about this point where I started spending more time with a mistress that I had started hanging around sporadically since high school. Her name was alcohol. She was sly, forever agreeable, offered no resistance to my advances, and didn’t object to sharing me with either my work or my motorcycling.

Next: Unfortunately Booze, Work and Motorcycling DO mix.”


–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Earl helped me rekindle two smoldering passions, one risky and ultimately destructive; the other ultimately good but inherently risky. Both obsessions were already there, and without saying a word all he had to do was let me hang around to watch how he lived. I was free to join him in his life style, or not. That was strictly up to me. To the day he died he had no idea of the influence he had on my bringing to full flower the destructive passion: alcohol. I do not blame him for my decisions. His gun was laying around but I was the one who picked it up and shot it.

I started drinking beer in high school. I didn’t pay any attention to it at the time and I wasn’t in “denial” since nobody called me on it, but I was, from the beginning, incapable of having “a beer” with my buddies. It made no sense to me to stop before the beer was gone. I suppose that I never got to be a heavy drinker in high school simply because nobody in my crowd could afford to buy a lot of booze. But, when I was in college, and it was available in a keg at a party or liquor was free at an open bar, I clung closely to my new love, alcohol.

It always took a lot of alcohol to make me feel even slightly drunk and what I found as I grew older was that I could work quite effectively when moderately sloshed. By college and then graduate school I was routinely drinking cheap vodka and scotch on a daily basis, at home, sipping it as I worked on my school work late into the night.

If it affected my academic performance I never knew it. I graduated college cum laude because I switched schools after the first year, dropped out for a year to earn some money, picked up bad study habits and really didn’t study much at all for the rest of my undergraduate time. But when it became possible to go to graduate school on scholarships and assistantships I decided it was really time to study. So in graduate school I never got a grade below A when studying for my advanced degrees: MA, M Div, and ThD.

Looking back on it now I wonder what I could have accomplished had I been sober all those years, but the truth is that I was a very “functional” alcoholic until toward the very end of my drinking period when I was clearly dysfunctional and about to lose everything I valued. But being able to function for almost 40 years without seeing many the adverse signs of drinking, other than hangovers, and really none that significantly affected my work performance, meant that it took decades to admit that I was an alcoholic. That is a whole other story that I may write about some time, but not now.

Earl enabled the transition from moderate drinking to heavy drinking simply by “showing me the ropes” of how things were done in Washington. And what he showed me about how things were done involved a lot of booze. So we would go to lunch at places where they served the largest and least expensive martinis. And we would meet Earl’s friends from various government departments who also liked to go to places where they served the largest and least expensive martinis. And, since I really didn’t want to ask, perhaps because I didn’t want to hear an answer that I didn’t like, I assumed that “everybody” in DC “did lunch” the way we did. Two or three martinis at lunch made for mellow afternoons.

Then, after work the same floating group, with people drifting in and out of the mix, would meet at a bar or grill where they had an inexpensive “happy hour” and a nice free snack buffet. And I would have a few scotch and sodas before heading home on the motorcycle, a bulging briefcase bungied to the back of the seat. At home I would often have wine with dinner and then sip scotch well into the night as I worked of the pile in the briefcase. After four or five hours of sleep, a quick shower, no breakfast, the grind started over again. If I was a bit hungover I would pop a tranquilizer, which doctors prescribed like candy in those years. The places where we drank rotated, but the pattern was set.

Only after I stopped drinking did it really sink in that the way I was living while in DC was not “normal;” that “everybody” in DC didn’t drink all the time: and that I picked my friends from among those who had the same problem that I did, and avoided people who did not like to drink. And I realized that I routinely turned down social occasions that did not involve drinking and always said “yes” to those that had an open bar.

Having never touched a drink since June, 1990, it is perfectly clear to me now that Earl didn’t “cause” me to drink; he didn’t even encourage me to drink, and in no way is he responsible for my drinking problem. He was, of course, responsible for his own, and it is likely that his drinking was directly related to the fairly rare urinary tract cancer that ultimately killed him. Earl never stopped drinking until the day he died. He never loved anything or anyone enough to find motive to quit. As far as I know he never tried. It simply wouldn’t have occurred to him to think of that.

But he too was successful in his career. He never was as driven as I was and so he did not get to the level I did. In fact, he ended up working for me at the GAO as Administrative Assistant Director for the large division I was in charge of. He had a marvelous ability to unravel the human condition, as long as he wasn’t trying to unravel his own. And he did a great job turning a division that I created out of new hires and cast offs from elsewhere in GAO and other agencies into a model of efficiency and competence.

The second passion that Earl introduced me to was an intense love of all types of motorcycle touring, from day trips to two week long trips covering thousands of miles. I had a glimmer of touring during my college days and liked it. But those tours were by myself and were confined to one or two days at a time, usually going from the college to some relative’s home and back. So there was a certain “utility” to those trips which quite simply reduced the freedom of the tour. The best touring is the kind where the riding itself is the point and the arriving, while fine, is not the point of the trip at all.

By introducing me first to regular, intentional weekend travel on a motorcycle, then to “long weekend” travel – starting on a Friday or coming back to work on a Tuesday, or both, I learned to stretch my riding time and my touring distances. And, I also learned that I could do five or six days work in three or four and still get all the work done. My work didn’t suffer. On the other hand I usually got no more than five hours of sleep a night. But I was young when I started that pattern and I got used to it and kept to it for well over thirty years.

What was exciting for me was that this was the first time that I had a riding buddy who was as passionate about bikes as I was. We had known each other only a short time when it became clear to us that we shared the same deep love of riding motorcycles. And we set about to see as much of the country on our bikes as we could while still keeping our jobs. It was amazing how well that worked out.

Before we started riding together I was averaging about five to 6 thousand miles a year on my bike. Now I was averaging well over 20 thousand miles a year. And that was a pattern I would continue until I started getting old, although until my medical issues this year I have averaged well over 14 thousand miles a year for several years. With my problems I will get in under 5 thousand miles this year. But that, my friends, is far better than no miles at all!

So, my life changed radically in those first two years in the Executive Office and I would continue this newly enjoyed pattern of life for another 25 years, based on three pretty equal passions: work, motorcycles and booze. I now think that it is important for me to remember that for the most part I loved those years. When I first stopped drinking I spent a lot of time beating on myself trying to convince myself that those were “lost years.” I wanted to believe that those were miserable years and therefore, they were what I could expect to relive if I were to start drinking again. Those years, I thought, had to be bad to make sure I stayed sober.

The truth, however, slowly has come to me that those years were mostly very fine years in the living of them. I sowed the seeds of a lot of destruction in those years, including the destruction of my marriage and the estrangement of my children. I sowed the beginnings of an alcohol problem that would come close to killing me. And I neglected to do with my life a lot that I should have done to help others. There were many opportunities to do that and I did not act on the vast majority of them.

So how can I say that “I loved those years’? Its simple really. I loved them as I lived them because they were all about me. Me. Me. Me. So don’t confuse my loving those years with any delusion that I was the best that I could have been as a human being in those years. I was hardly that. Like St. Paul says, “We all are sinners and we all fall short of the glory of God.” I was living my enjoyable life and proving his point at the same time.

Next: Earl and I map out the Grand National Motorcycle Racing Circuit and we follow the stars. And we buy motorcycles from Montgomery Ward (I’m not kidding) and try to assemble them. And, finally, I take a trip from Washington DC to Daytona Beach on the Honda 350, which explains why I sold it when we got back!

Monte