This is a letter I wrote to Sue. Yesterday was our 26th wedding anniversary. I have a huge flaw that is part generational and part just me. I don't often enough say how I feel about the one who is at the heart of my existance. I find getting the words out awkward.
That may sound strange knowing how prolific I am here on OS, but when I think about my wife and all that she means to me the words get tangled and seem hopelessly inadaquate. When a love exceeds anything you ever thought even for a moment that you could feel, putting that into words seems both necessary and impossible at the same time. But I try. Here is what I wrote to her yesterday. I share it with you, with her permission, because she is such a special lady who reads here on OS most days and appreciates you for what you write, and appreciates OS for providing me a haven for writing that takes my mind off of my problems.
(Parentheticals are my additions to clarify certain names, etc.)
Happy 26th Anniversary, Sue,
It is very hard to find words to describe how much your love means to me. My love for you grows with the passing days and years. When I get up in the morning and when I go to sleep at night you are the first and last in my thoughts. My prayer is always for your well being and that you will feel the love that I do not express nearly enough.
This past year has been hard on us both, but you have helped me so much, not just in adjusting to my medical condition, but in being there for every major event, through all the doctor visits and all those difficult tests. I can't tell you how hard it would have been to do any of that without you there by my side.
When I have been down because of this medical problem you have both listened and tried to lift me up, and it has helped enormously. When I complain day after day or worry about some new wrinkle in my medical problems you have listened and given me support, whether the problem is major or minor, or even imaginary.
I remember when so many people, almost all of your family, and even Suzy (the Episcopal Priest who married us) during out pre-Cana sessions, were so skeptical about our getting married. They assumed that the fact that you are 16 years younger than I am guaranteed our marriage would fail.
And I remember those early years when I was drinking and all of the mental anguish I put you through. I remember how, when you went to stay at your mother's, God stepped in and told me that enough was enough and that I was about to lose you, if I hadn't already. Between God and you I saw the path to sobriety I had to take even though I had know idea how to walk it.
Jim White (my AA sponsor) was another of God's gifts to us as Jim showed me the way. And there were those difficult years of my early sobriety, the going to seminary with hardly enough money to live on, and God's gracious gift of tuition scholarships and even book money from Samuel UCC when we were so very broke that last semester.
I think more than any other time in my life those years between the beginning of my sobriety and finishing seminary were when I knew that God was actually looking out for us. There have been many other times since then that I have felt that, and all of those times were clearly times when I could not have helped myself. I needed God. And I needed you.
I remember also saying to Suzy that if we could make it through 25 years of marriage I would consider our marriage a success. And now I look at each additional year as a pure gift of God's love and faithfulness to us. We do not hold the future in our hands. We cannot see where our path will lead. But we can see clearly that God is with us and that his will for us is that we be together. He will give us what we need to face that future.
I love you and I thank you for the gift of your love.
Monte
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